Charlie was devastated at age nine when his father, J.J., died of a brain tumor.
“Who’s going to take care of us now?” he shouted, through sobs. “Who's going to make us food and take us to school? Are we gonna get a stepdad? Mom, do you even know how to work the washing machine?!”
Charlie’s uncertainty and sorrow evolved into too much alone time in the basement; older brother Culby’s grief emerged through anger, often at their mother, Sara Bovitz, the physician breadwinner, who the children thought had the medical superpowers to save their beloved dad from his 13-year battle with cancer.
“I was so shattered when J.J. died; it was all I could to make sure the boys had pants on when they left for school,” said Sara. “I couldn't deal with anything except what was right in front of me. It was all hard to navigate.”
After a particularly intense round of shouting and door slamming, Sara reached out to Dougy Center.
“I realized that I didn't know what to do, and couldn't do it by myself, and that I needed help,” she said.
Dougy Offers Community During a Time of Isolation
At Dougy Center, Charlie boldly splattered colors on the walls of the art room, experimented with costumes in the theater room, hugged giant stuffed animals, and thumped on instruments in the music room; Culby used the playground to shoot basket after basket. The boys partnered with trusted volunteers and staff, joined groups with kids of similar ages, and were encouraged to talk about their dad if they wished.
“I think Dougy Center was very helpful in offering us a community, and that's what I really enjoyed about it,” said Charlie.
"Grief can be so isolating, and the gift that Dougy Center gave both boys was an understanding that they were not alone in their grief; that the universe had not singled them out for pain, and that death is part of life,” said Sara. “To have an adult who’s not your parent, not a therapist, but someone who understands the situation and is there to help you crawl back out of the rabbit hole is such a feeling of safety.
“It was so helpful to be in a space designed especially for children, with people who understand grief and loss, even if you don’t necessarily know what that means for yourself yet. And to have time where I could lean into my own grief in a way that you can't as a parent because you have to be strong for your kids — that was also a gift. The volunteers at Dougy Center are lovely, beautiful spirits. The support for me was so amazing. Dougy Center definitely helped us find our sea legs during a time when we had no bearings.”
Grief Can Impact a Child’s Life Success
Since 1982, Dougy Center has served more than 60,000 family members who are grieving before and after a death by offering a safe and nurturing space to talk, play, and connect with one another in a way they can’t with friends who’ve not yet experienced loss.
In the Portland Metro area, about 1 in 14 children under age 18 experience the death of a parent or sibling. Grief significantly affects children’s emotional, behavioral, and developmental well-being and, if not acknowledged and supported, can impact elements of life success including school performance, eating and sleeping habits, behavior regression, and mental health instability.
“The mission of Dougy Center is so important,” said Sara. “We grieve in private, but we heal in community. Even if those moments are fraught and excruciating and confusing, knowing that there are people in the world that have felt as terrible as you feel and survived, and to see families moving through the stages of grief, and all of the support for them, is so powerful.
“It’s not a stretch to say that Dougy Center saved our lives. They offered us a life raft, and I’d recommend Dougy Center to anyone suffering a loss.”
J.J. loved the outdoors — fishing, skiing, snowboarding, hiking — and he biked with the boys to and from school every day, no matter the weather. French toast was made for breakfast with bread from a bakery soaked in milk and eggs overnight, and one time when the power went out at school, J.J. gathered Charlie’s friends whose parents were at work and cared for them all afternoon, reading and coloring in the family living room.
“He was with these guys from the time they were born until he died,” said Sara. “J.J. didn’t do anything halfway. He was our at-home parent and knocked that one out of the park!
“J.J. was that guy at the holiday gathering who was always under the table playing with the little kids. He had a wisdom about him, and everyone came to J.J. for guidance because his perspective was so uplifting and real and positive.”
Charlie is now a junior in high school and an Outdoor School counselor with a love for chemistry. Culby is on a gap year in a national outdoor leadership school currently in South America. And Sara is writing and recently dipped her toe into medicine again.
“Our family’s not what it was, or what we wanted, but we're solid now,” said Sara.
"We are solid,” agreed Charlie.
